Most helpful pre-marital counsel?
[Looking for a little feedback here.]
Kari and I took a pre-marital and marital counseling course earlier in the summer and are wrapping up our final project for it. The task is to organize/compile a resource notebook for future pre-marital counseling sessions. Eight total sessions have been organized, ranging from biblical view of marriage, a wedding policy, family of origin, expectations, personality and communication, finances, in-laws, intimacy, and a final checkup after the honeymoon. (The table of contents and outlines are all set, but you get the idea about the general categories. Didn’t want to share all my secrets.) This process has helped me see some of the gaps we didn’t stress enough in our previous counseling for married-couples-to-be. Always learning and improving!
My notebook is in draft form now and will be finsihed up mostly this weekend (I hope). Just looking for anything helpful final additions to add to it.
Anyone have specific resources (like a certain chapter from a book, or a worksheet, or the best advice) you are willing to share?
(Note below or send me an email - jp at deTheos dot com.
July 21st, 2008 at 9:58 pm
-The “problem” is usually not The Problem. So, take a deep breath and listen for what’s going on at the heart level in each other - don’t argue about the details - despite how your conversation may get off to a rough start - get to “How can I love you?”
-Empathy is not agreement. (see vids at http://www.cloudtownsend.com on Empathy). Empathy may not be everything but it’s really, really close.
- Develop a forgiveness ritual.
- Read at least one of Gottman’s and work through preventing the Four Horsemen, fighting fair, growing in Emotional Intelligence.
-Jim Burns (www.homeword.com) says read a marriage (and eventually parenting book) at least once a year together to dialogue and grow together.
- Address boundaries/dependency, control/influence
http://cloudtownsend.master.com/texis/master/search/?thesaurus=1&q=boundaries&s=SS
- final checkup after honeymoon is good, 3 or 6 month too. Like getting an oil change.
-Find mentors, people who will pray for you.
- http://www.videovine.com/topics/relationships.php
-The parrot’s site, Dennis Rainey’s site.
July 23rd, 2008 at 12:51 am
Sovann- Thanks! I totally agree, and will be sure to include that the “problem” is usually (always?) not The Problem.
We will certainly deal with something akin to a “forgiveness ritual.” More like having the couple think hard together set some guidelines based on personality, fight-or-flight tendencies and family of origin history for dealing with conflict, sin and repentance … forgiveness + restoration.
This project has been helpful, esp. to see how we can challenge couples-to-be and not need to feel like we must apologize for giving them homework, challenging their expectations. Short-term diligence getting ready for the greatest commitment of their lives, requiring steadfast commitment to God’s covenant between them.
Wish we could re-counsel the few we have counseled over the last couple years in light of our maturity process in this area.
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:52 am
Like Don Henley told us, “It’s time to get down to the heart of the matter” (hmmm, I’ll have to use that sometime)
“Wish we could re-counsel the few we have counseled over the last couple years in light of our maturity process in this area.”
Ahh, the dreaded counseling Do-Over. I have that experience, not quite weekly, but almost. I see it as an opportunity to pray for God’s mercy, that He would use what good things might have been shared and correct the less helpful things.
Speaking of a Do-over, I neglected to mention Gary Smalley’s site especially taking a look at the Fear Dance (similar to Eggerich’s Crazy Cycle but broader), understanding each other’s triggers in the dance. Encouraging couples to understand and watch for the negative thoughts, feelings, behaviors, triggers to their Dance/spiral downward can help them turn it around more quickly and save them lots of pain.
Sounds like your project will help many couples’ marriage and (I think you’ll agree) best of all your own. Blessings!
July 26th, 2008 at 6:41 am
Thanks Sovann. Project now finalized and turned in (but will expand in the future, as it was meant to be a manual-in-making and will continue to be revised and refined for sure).
The best part is that Kari and I took the class together, so while our project materials somewhat overlap our views and practice certainly do.