Can’t sleep, for good reason

Yesterday Kari and I had an encouraging meeting. A very, very encouraging meeting. At this meeting with the leaders of a local church we were blessed to make official on paper my new assignment by God to serve as a pastor. Next month I will join their pastoral team as associate pastor and Kari and I are overwhelmed by God and these church leaders for the opportunity.

A person with more faith would have looked at our similar meeting two weeks ago and see that as the watershed moment. It really was, and it came as kind of a surprise. That was the day I was offered the role/position of associate pastor with this particular local church. The fact that I was rejoicing then, but then fell into some patches of discouragement until it all become official, shows my own fickle nature and weakness. We fell into a little bit of despondency in the two weeks between the ministry job being offered and signing on the dotted line.

Why?

Well, for one: we are weak, as I already mentioned. More specifically, I know that an experience in recent years with a church has painfully shaped our perspective (about which you can read Kari’s retelling here , with names and places changed). To be fair, none of the church leaders acted out of malice, and while the church leaders are forgive, it is not forgotten as lessons on what not-to-do to developing leaders. It must also be said that without that season of preparation we would not be here today (nor ready for it in our character). My view of God’s absolute sovereignty and the necessity of pain in life as the great way for God to shape us have come from seasons like that in the crucible. More will come, I’m sure.

Earlier this week I was talking to my good friend Adam and mentioned feeling uneasy, like our new church leaders were somehow going to back out of the verbal agreement (a totally unfounded thought!). He stopped me in mid-sentence on the phone: "That _______ experience has scarred you, hasn’t it?" He was and is totally right. I was not voicing this pessimistic attitude publicly, but it was in my heart, and it came out in this private conversation between two close friends. Kari and I have been continually pouring out our hearts to our Great God to change us from viewing life through the lens of pain only (but a right view of suffering is key, see Romans 5 & 8). I needed his perspective.

This process has shown me that (1) my heart and mind are still in some way scarred from past painful experiences, (2) I underestimate the kindness and grace of God, and (3) He will do anything necessary to keep me from worshipping His gifts over Him (including the agonizing process of realizing I am doing just that).

Oh, how thankful I am for our new church leaders . (And our current ones, by the way, as we transition out this month.) Our reception to our new church home, among the leaders, looks to be the exact opposite of our fears. The exact opposite, almost point by point, than what took place in 2004-05. [Example: 50 months ago we arrived at our new church home in another state and ran into the senior pastor in the parking lot. He didn't recognize me nor remember our names -- "We're Jeff and Kari from Oregon," I reminded -- "Oh yeah. You're here?" -- and apparently hadn't given a thought about our coming, even though he was the one who offered me the job and had been in seemingly constant contact. Our "apartment" on the church property was still being lived in, full of trash, and no one knew we were coming, even after talking twice that previous week over the phone. Looking back we laugh at how ridiculous it was; my father-in-law shakes his head and wonders why he let us unpack the moving van; in the moment we were like deer in headlights.]

What a different picture it was yesterday , as we walked in for our meeting, all the staff popped out of their offices and welcomed us to the family — they obviously knew we were coming, more than we did! During the meeting our new church leaders talked about how they wanted to throw a couple parties to welcome us. The contrast is startling. (I am purposefully being vague and not naming the church community here — but will in the coming weeks.)

Over these two weeks we could have counseled our hearts more, specifically on the key topic Kari is delving into: Expectancy vs. Expectations and especially the Disappointment & Fulfillment Cycles . As God our Father is such a good Father and so intentionally faithful, nothing is wasted. No painful experience, and certainly not these fleeting lowly fears nor these oh so encouraging highs, will fail to serve their intended purposes in the development of our character ( Romans 5:1-5 ).

What a joy to be cared for so well. That’s why I couldn’t sleep last night. Pray for us, as there is a unique art to shaping one’s soul around the Gospel (and not it around one’s self), worshipping God and not the thing He has given .