A few thoughts on parenting

Every once in a while one comes across an article that both challenges (assumptions) and confirms (beliefs) that one simply must tell others about it. This weekend I read a research article of that worth. Parents of all stripes, as well as any of us who have had parents (yes, everyone) should read the cover article for the January issue of Christianity Today, “The Myth of the Perfect Parent.” It’s excellent. The subtitle gives part of the premise: “Why the best parenting techniques don’t produce Christian children.” Here’s an excerpt that notes the folly of how we read the Scriptures related to parenting.

“Proverbs 22:6 has been widely adopted as both psychological premise and theological promise, despite the widespread recognition that hermeneutically, the Proverbs are not promises from God, but general observations and maxims.”

(The Book of Proverbs brings us observations on the general realities of life (like percentages), though they are not meant to be absolute promises. We read too much into them and overstate God’s intention with that genre of Scripture when we treat them that way.)

The core issue is not “success” (’look at me, my kids turned out great,; which can produce guilt or pride); it is faithfulness. Our success at parenting takes root in the form of our faithfulness to God and living out His love. The author’s conclusion:

“It is time to acknowledge there is only so much influence parents can have.” Scripture has taught us this all along. We are not sovereign over our children—only God is. Children are not tomatoes to stake out or mules to train, nor are they numbers to plug into an equation. They are full human beings wondrously and fearfully made. Parenting, like all tasks under the sun, is intended as an endeavor of love, risk, perseverance, and, above all, faith. It is faith rather than formula, grace rather than guarantees, steadfastness rather than success that bridges the gap between our own parenting efforts, and what, by God’s grace, our children grow up to become.”

• Read the whole article, “The Myth of the Perfect Parent“

Also, on teaching the next generation, a recent post at Culture Making notes how testing for IQ is actually the lazy way to measure student development. A summary:

Perseverance and discipline likely matter more than intelligence and innate talent when it comes to being successful in one’s endeavors. And—according to the study cited at the end of the article—praising children for their hard work rather than their innate skill yields significant improvements in test results; kids praised for their talents actually start doing worse when they encounter significant challenges.

• Read the whole article, “Valuing What’s Easiest to Measure“

By my own experience, a startling number — to me, it seems — of those in my TAG (Talented and Gifted) classes from elementary and middle school chose not to complete college, while others have earned post-secondary degrees and are quite successful (by various definitions). The issue was clearly not intelligence; it was diligence, perseverance, self-control and certainly a passion for learning and developing a discipline that translates to helping others. As probably one who just barely made it in over the IQ threshold (to get into TAG), I think that my “success” in life may have less to do with innate ability and more with developing an appetite for learning and perseverance within God’s good grace.

I imagine both articles have controversial pieces to them. Let’s be civil and gracious in our discussions, here and elsewhere.